Recto Verso

I’ve been listening to that song for a while now. I like the fact that the more I hear it the more I hate you. Yes, I hate you. I hate you because you enter my heart without a pass. And when I ask my mind to kick you out, you seduce him and he sits with you for a chat.

I hate you. Have I said that I hate you? Well, I hate you.

You disturb my date with loneliness on my sleepless night. And not only that, even when I do fall asleep, there you are waiting on my dream. I want to leave but my body decided to betray me. Apparently everyone is plotting a vendetta against me. How could they? I can’t believe they pick your side.

I hate you.

On and on it went for days. I’m learning, trying to get used to this, but I’m a bad student. I protested but they drowned my voice. What, so now that I’ve been dethroned, as a citizen I don’t even have a right to protest? Is this some kind of a sick joke? Well, guess what, it’s not funny. Dear mind and heart, body and soul, you make terrible clowns.
Hell, I don’t even like clowns.

Who’s to blame? You of course. You stole everything. And yet you keep on stealing. Don’t you realize that by now I already have nothing?

Days turn into weeks, which then turn into months, and again into years. Can’t remember how many times I’ve tried to push you out …Only to watch myself failed miserably. Mind and heart just laughed at me while body and soul tended my bruised knees. You, however, just stood there with a smile on your face. If you thought by doing that you could make me hate you less, you’re wrong. I hate you even more. Because now I’ve lost hope of claiming my own throne again.

I hate you.

I.

Hate.

You.

But then suddenly everything changed. One day mind decided to greet me and heart asked me for a cup of tea. How surprising. I refused though. I’m still hurt from how they both treated me before. I’m still mad at them. They tried it again the next day.. But i said no. No. No. No. They’re never tired of asking. I, on the other hand, began to grow tired so finally I said yes.

It was awkward at first. I didn’t know what to say. They talked but I didn’t really pay attention to what they’re saying. It happened again for several times. Not as awkward but still felt weird. Until one day, everything went back to the way it used to. I was glad.

But then came a question: where did you go?

I realized mind and heart wouldn’t be as kind to me if you were here. So when they did, I couldn’t but thinking it’s got to be something to do with your absence. Not that I want you back though.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…I lied.

I miss you.

I used to wish for you to be gone because I thought things were better before you, before I started hating you. Now that you did gone, that I’m back on my throne, things weren’t as wonderful as I expected it to be. Something is missing. You.

I asked mind and questioned heart regarding your whereabout. They said they have no idea. I was so sure they were lying. If they didn’t have the answer then who did? Body, soul? ..Body and soul. How could I forget them? Without hesitation I went to see them. ..But they too gave the same answer. I was furious. Someone has got to know. So I went back to mind and heart. One of them is lying.

Quickly I confrontated mind. He’s playing dumb but my patience has ran out.
“Drop the play, I know it’s you!”
“How can you be so sure?!”
“Because heart doesn’t lie and neither does soul!”
“Then what about body?!”
“Oh come on. He’s your servant. The master is you.”

I got mind cornered. He couldn’t escape now. I stared at him. Long. And then his voice broke.
“It was the right to do!!”

“What do YOU know about RIGHT?!”
My voice broke too.

“You’re the one who kept saying ‘I hate you’, remember?“, said mind coldly.

It’s as if I was being struck by a lightning.
“Cat got your tongue? Guess now you know who you should really blame, huh?“, said mind.

I whispered softly to myself, “..I didn’t mean it that way. I didn’t.”

Mind looked at me with disgust and left. Heart approached me.

“Are you okay?“, asked heart.
“…No..“, I answered, almost bursting in tears.
“So, what do you want to do now?”
She touched my hair gently.

“I don’t know..” I sat down slowly. She followed.
“You miss that someone?”
I nodded in silence.
“You hate that someone?”

I looked heart in the eyes. She asked the same question again.

“You hate that someone?”

..She knew. Of course she did, who am I kidding with?

“…Yes.” I sunk my head on my hugged knees.
“Want to know what I feel you should do?“, asked heart again with smile.
I understand what she meant by that. And I bet she understand that I understand that.
“Follow me.” She got up and walked. I stood and started to walk too.
“Where?”
“You’ll know.”
I was about to ask her another question but she signed me not to.

We arrived at a hall. An empty hall.
“It’s my home.” I was about to reply her but she continued, “It used to be wonderful here.”
“Lots of light, gorgeous paintings on the wall, a grand piano. Oh, and lots of sweets too.”
She chuckled.
“W.. what happened..?”
Stupid question. I knew what happened.
“Something happened“, she answered. A sad smile on her face.

“Is there I can do to help?“, I asked.
“Only if you want to.”
“I want to.”
She hugged me.
“You already know what to do.”
I couldn’t hold my tears any longer.

 

 

 

I searched for you. I didn’t care if it was too late, if you already took someone else’s throne, or if you already had yours taken. Now that I’ve found you, as a hello escaped your lips and kissed my ears, i felt the same feeling just like when i heard that song. Hello.

This time you could stay as long and steal as much as you want, and then some more. I’d be okay. Because I still have so much hate for you.

sometimes you lie awake at night and things you’ve drowned deep inside your mind suddenly surfaced, giving you no chance to drown it back. you’re surprised because you thought those boxes were already gone. you tied them to a balloon and they flew away into the clouds.

but there they are. sealed like the last time you saw them.

you tried balloon last time, so you try a heavy rock this time. too bad that bridge was already burned. you can’t push them to the shore and off to the sea because you’re afraid. afraid that it’s you who’s going to get drowned while those boxes laughing at you. you don’t want that. so you decide to unseal the box.

one of those boxes is now unsealed. but it’s still closed. you hesitated. you don’t want to open it. you wish that box would just disappear. so that you don’t have to choose: opening that box or unsealing yet another box. but you still have to chose. and so you chose the latter.

another one is unsealed. now you have to choose again. and so you unseal another. and another, until nothing’s left. your palms are sweating now. you try to search for another option so that you don’t have to open those boxes but there’s none.

you try to kick away the fear. it escaped your heart only to stay in your hands.

they tremble.

you reach a box and put it on your lap. you feel like Pandora now. but she only got one while you got many. the gods left it in her hands but yours came from yourself. with that box on your lap, still you hesitated. you can wait forever but deep down you know you can’t run forever. you’re tired.

so you open that box.

you hold your breath while it take you down the memory lane. not that time when you laugh till you cry though. nor that time when people congratulate you on your birthday, your wedding, your son’s birthday, or your son’s wedding. not those times. because you remember real well you didn’t put laughter and happiness locked inside some boxes. you let them roam freely inside your heart.

what greets you when you open that box is a wind. a sad, weeping wind. you can hear people crying when it blows your face and your hair.

those people were you.

this first box you opened is filled with that memory when your friends said they want to stop being your friends.

you thought you already let that memory go. because they apologized and everything went back like it used to be, if not better. then why is it you still have that box? does it mean that all this time you’re just pretending you’ve let it go? no. that’s not the case. then what? what does it mean?

you’re confused.

the anger and sadness made their way back into your heart. and the memory back to your mind. you hold your head and kneel. touching your forehead with that wet sand under your feet. you cry like a baby. but this time mom isn’t there to soothe you. and neither is your brother/sister, boyfriend/girlfriend, nor your husband/wife.

still in tears, you grab the second box.
you found that time when you asked for someone, anyone, but noone came.

third box.
that time when you found out you couldn’t be loved for who you are.

fourth box.
that time when it’s you who said you want to stop being someone’s friend.

fifth box.
that time when you reached for help but everybody’s hands were too busy to touch you, let alone reach you.

sixth box.
that time when you hugged your knees because noone was there to hug you.

seventh box.
that time when you slashed your wrist because you thought the pain in your hand would ease away that pain in your heart.

eighth box.
that time when you felt blood running from your vein to the floor and to the sink.

and ninth box.
that time when your consciousness slipped away.
when everything turned black and there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.

you thought you’re going to hell.
because you thought you deserve hell.
because you knew you’re not going to heaven.

and then you realized it wasn’t a dream you’re in.
it wasn’t a sleep you went to.

 

it was death.

 

 

 

 

 

you’re dead.

 

 

 

you’re dead.
before you get to chase your dream.
before you get to see your child/grandchild smiling.

and worst of all, before you get to say “i love you” to that someone you always think about.
whose name filled your ears, mind, and heart.

you can’t cry. because your tears has run dry.
you can’t scream. because nobody will hear you out.
so you just stood there, oblivious to everything.
you look at the sky. there’s no moon but it’s full of stars.

you sit quietly, already calmed yourself after being overwhelmed with the truth you wish you never knew. then you lie on your back, trying to count the stars while waiting for the sun to rise. though deep down, you know there’ll be no sun. you get calmer and calmer. is it the tranquil sound of the wave? or the warm tickling of the sand? whatever it is, you feel better now.

you then remember about that letter you left on your bed. you feel relieved because at least you get to say goodbye. you smiled. to your surprise, the first light hits your chin, then your lips, and your cheek. still smiling, you close your eyes.

you’re ready now.